"Bears" is the fifth episode of the B Series of QI and the 17th episode overall. It was first broadcast on BBC Two on 5 November 2004. It featured no new panellists.


Numbers in brackets mark appearances - e.g. "(2)" means "(second appearance)".

  1. Jimmy Carr (2): 15 points
  2. Jo Brand (7): 8 points
  3. Bill Bailey (5): -5 points
  4. Alan Davies (17): -35 points


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  • Koalas make a kind of soup from their faeces for their young. It comes out of their bottom. They are the only animal that makes a kind of "soup" or "pap". Koalas aren't bears; they are marsupials. Fry stated that koalas do not drink water. (Note: this is incorrect; koalas do drink water.)
  • For the seven months that they hibernate, bears do not defecate anywhere in the winter.[1] They recycle the urea as protein, so they don't need to urinate and they mix the hair and faeces to make a sort of plug that blocks the anus during winter. She-bears give birth during hibernation. They can also give birth to 4 cubs from 4 different fathers.
  • Toothpaste makes bears go crazy with desire. You'd be safer carrying a butchered elk leg. Dogs also go crazy from toothpaste, but there are dog toothpastes available in flavours such as peanut butter and beef.
  • The animal with huge teeth and only one facial expression is the giant panda.[2] It has the biggest teeth of any mammal and is a bear, but until 1996, it was thought to be a member of the raccoon family. The odd thing was that it was designated as a carnivore, but everyone knows it only eats bamboo and they're also the only bear that doesn't hibernate, because it has to eat bamboo for 12 hours a day to get enough nutrients.
  • Bamboo has a tensile strength greater than steel and can grow up to 4 feet (1.2 m) a day. It is used as scaffolding for buildings in Hong Kong and other parts of Southeast Asia. There are over 5,000 uses for bamboo. It is also a grass.
  • Thomas Edison believed that 15 tiny people lived within the human mind. He also believed that when you die, they moved to another person.
  • Edison did not invent the light bulb, but he used bamboo as a filament for his prototype, although one of his letters contains the first written reference of the word "hello". He had 1,093 patents in his name. The original word, "Hullo", was intended as an act of surprise, rather than a form of greeting.

General IgnoranceEdit

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  • Dinosaurs beginning with 'b' include the Brachiosaurus, Barney, Barosaurus, Barapasaurus, Bagaceratops, Becklespinax, Byronosaurus and Bambiraptor.[3] The Brontosaurus was misidentified with the body of an Apatosaurus, with the skull of a Camarasaurus.
  • Mike the Headless Chicken lived for two years without a head. He was fed with an eye dropper.
  • Penicillin was discovered by Ernest Duchesne.[4] He discovered that Arab stable boys rubbed a mould on themselves that helped them get rid of saddle sores. The Institut Pasteur rejected his claims, but in 1949, five years after Fleming discovered it, he was posthumously given the credit of re-discovering it, so Fleming can only claim to have re-re-discovered it. Ironically, he died of TB, which if he had some penicillin, he wouldn't have died.
  • Who is the odd one out? – Arthur Conan Doyle, Niels Bohr, Dmitri Shostakovich or Albert Camus? – Shostakovich was a qualified soccer referee, all the other played as football goalkeepers. Arthur Conan Doyle played in goal for Portsmouth, Niels Bohr played for the University of Copenhagen 1st team, Albert Camus was goalkeeper for the University of Algiers team.


Panellists were given some fridge-magnet letters and told to make phrases out of them throughout the episode.


  • Vagina Doom
  • Fox
  • Sit Look Rub Panda
  • Tiberius Can Look Mad

(From B Series DVD)

  • Koala Soup
  • Sex Up Fry


  • Frodo Lap Shame
  • Gay Elf Romp

(B Series DVD)

  • Golum Kix Habit
  • Al-Qaeda Goose Pet


  • Quim
  • I Love A Fry Up
  • Oh Bum

(B Series DVD)

  • Lady Bush Trap


  • Put Smarties Tubes On Cats Legs Make Them Walk Like A Robot (used every letter)


  1. Woods
  2. Janet Street-Porter
  3. Brontosaurus
  4. Alexander Fleming
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